7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship - part 2 of 3

By Carol Sorgen

Relationship Problem: Money

Money problems can start even before the wedding vows are exchanged. They can stem, for example, from the expenses of courtship or from the high cost of a wedding. The National Foundation for Credit Counseling (NFCC) recommends that couples who have money woes take a deep breath and have a serious conversation about finances.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Be honest about your current financial situation. If things have gone south, continuing the same lifestyle is unrealistic.

·         Don't approach the subject in the heat of battle. Instead, set aside a time that is convenient and non-threatening for both of you.

·         Acknowledge that one partner may be a saver and one a spender, understand there are benefits to both, and agree to learn from each other's tendencies.

·         Don't hide income or debt. Bring financial documents, including a recent credit report, pay stubs, bank statements, insurance policies, debts, and investments to the table.

·         Don't blame.

·         Construct a joint budget that includes savings.

·         Decide which person will be responsible for paying the monthly bills.

·         Allow each person to have independence by setting aside money to be spent at his or her discretion.

·         Decide upon short-term and long-term goals. It's OK to have individual goals, but you should have family goals, too.

·         Talk about caring for your parents as they age and how to appropriately plan for their financial needs if needed.

Relationship Problem: Struggles Over Home Chores

Most partners work outside the home and often at more than one job. So it's important to fairly divide the labor at home, says Paulette Kouffman-Sherman, author of Dating From the Inside Out.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Be organized and clear about your respective jobs in the home, Kouffman-Sherman says. "Write all the jobs down and agree on who does what." Be fair so no resentment builds.

·         Be open to other solutions, she says. If you both hate housework, maybe you can spring for a cleaning service. If one of you likes housework, the other partner can do the laundry and the yard. You can be creative and take preferences into account -- as long as it feels fair to both of you.

Relationship Problem: Not Making Your Relationship a Priority

If you want to keep your love life going, making your relationship a focal point should not end when you say "I do." "Relationships lose their luster. So make yours a priority," says Karen Sherman, author of Marriage Magic! Find It, Keep It, and Make It Last.

Problem-solving strategies:

·         Do the things you used to do when you were first dating: Show appreciation, compliment each other, contact each other through the day, and show interest in each other.

·         Plan date nights. Schedule time together on the calendar just as you would any other important event in your life.

·         Respect one another. Say "thank you," and "I appreciate..." It lets your partner know that they matter.

Source:

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them

Tips for a successful relationship

All couples want to have a successful and rewarding relationship, yet it is normal for couples to have ups and downs. To meet these challenges, and to keep your relationship healthy and happy, you need to work at it. Relationships are like bank accounts – if there are fewer deposits than withdrawals, you will run into difficulties.

Tips that may help you improve your relationship and be better prepared to meet the challenges along the way include:

·         Talk to each other – just because you love each other doesn’t mean you will be able to communicate well or can read your partner’s mind, or that they can read yours. Communicate your needs – don’t wait for your partner to try to guess what is going on with you.

·         If you have something to bring up, do it gently – going on the attack rarely gets you what you want.

·         Listen to each other – often we are so busy defending ourselves that we don’t hear what our partner is saying. Let your partner know that you have heard them before you give them your response.

·         Remember the positives about your partner – this helps protect your relationship. One critical comment needs five positive comments to counteract its effect. Think carefully before saying what’s on your mind.

·         Make repair attempts – if your attempts to talk about an issue don’t go as planned, try not to let the situation become even more negative (such as not talking for extended periods or ignoring the other person’s attempts). Saying sorry or touching your partner in a caring manner shows you care, even though you disagree.

·         Spend time together – make your relationship a priority and make time for each other, even if you have to book it in. Regular ‘deposits in your relationship bank account’ will help protect your relationship.

·         Work on feeling good about yourself – this will help the way you feel about your relationship.

·         Everyone is different – accept and value differences in others, including your partner. We often choose people who have qualities and abilities we would like more of. This is one of the reasons why our relationships offer us significant opportunities to grow and develop as people. Remind yourself of this.

·         Make plans – set goals for your relationship and plan for your future. This shows that you are both in the relationship for the long term.

·         Be supportive – try not to judge, criticise or blame each other; we are all human. Remind yourself that you are a team, and in order for the team to be successful, you each have to cheer the other on.

·         Learn from arguments – accept that arguments will happen and try to resolve them with respect. The strongest predictor of divorce is ‘contempt’, which is any action whereby your partner feels ‘put down’ by you, whether it is the tone of your voice or what you say. Often in arguments, we become overwhelmed and this can often lead to behaviours that harm our relationship.

·         Stay calm during disagreements – or if this is not possible, take time out. Taking an ‘us’ perspective that prioritises the relationship rather than a ‘you’ and ‘me’ perspective can be very useful.

·         Look at your part in the conflict rather than focusing only on your partner’s contribution. Your partner is more likely to acknowledge his or her contribution if you do the same. Research has shown that relationships fall into difficulty when partners begin to think ‘here we go again’ and this negative cycle is associated with loneliness, hurt and disappointment.

·         Be sexually considerate – be affectionate (sometimes a lingering kiss or a warm hug are just as important). Accept that individuals have different sex drives and to sustain a healthy and happy sex life requires negotiation. A reduction in a couple’s physical connection is often a warning sign of problems in a relationship.

·         Be attentive – demonstrate your commitment to the relationship. It is what you do for someone that tells them that you love them. We tend to give our partner what we hope to receive but they may prefer another form of affection. Do they like gifts, quality time with you, a note or a cooked meal? Once you know what they like, make an effort to provide it.

·         Enjoy yourself – have fun and celebrate your life together. Rituals can enhance your relationship. It’s also important to try new things as a couple. Doing fun activities together is very important, as often ‘deep and meaningful’ about couple issues can turn into disagreements which leave you both feeling worse, not better. Fun activities are like glue.

·         Be flexible – let your relationship grow and adapt as you both change.

·         Share power – ensure that each of you feels that your opinion counts. Research shows that relationships where the female partner feels that she can influence her partner are the most successful.

Successful long-term relationships

In a long-term relationship, it’s easy to assume you know all there is to know about your partner. But people change. Try to be aware of what is happening in your relationship and understand who your partner is and where they are at.

Stay curious about, but respectful of, each other. It is really important to stay up to date about your partner. Friendship is at the basis of all successful long-term relationships. Successful couples tend to be realists who recognise that a relationship will go through ups and downs.

A good relationship doesn’t just happen – you have to work at it.

Source:

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Relationships_tips_for_success?open

10 Secrets of Super Happy Couples - part 2 of 2

What do happy couples do right? We found 10 surprisingly quirky relationship tips to help you have a happy marriage or relationship

  BY SHEILA MONAGHAN

Tweet responsibly.
According to a survey of 100,000 people from OkCupid.com, avid tweeters tend to have shorter relationships—10 percent shorter, on average—than those who don't microblog. "Having your eyes glued to a smartphone screen isn't exactly conducive to romance," says Hatt. Be sure your tendency toward technology (tweets, texts, and otherwise) doesn't take up time better spent engaging in heart-to-heart communication with your guy.

Hold a grudge (as long as he doesn't).
Provided that your partner is able to bounce back from spats, you'll experience greater satisfaction, even if you tend to stay P.O.'d, according to recent research. The mark of a good recovery: You don't allow conflicts about one issue—say, money—to spill over into other areas of your relationship, such as how you help each other after a tough day, says study author Jessica E. Salvatore, Ph.D., of the University of Minnesota. A yang to your yin yields harmony.

Control the boozing.
Any relationship will be shaken and stirred by too much alcohol, but research suggests that young adults who drink heavily (meaning four or more drinks on one occasion for women; five or more for guys) are less likely to wed in the first place and may be at greater risk for early separation if they do. Partyers may be more likely to have commitment issues to begin with, and once they couple up their bonds may be unstable. "If you're going to be in a solid intimate partnership, you're going to need all the good judgment and compassion you can muster," says Hatt. Which means keeping the drinking in check.

Be the beauty to his beast.
Coupling up with an average Joe (with a beer belly) may be the key to long-term love. According to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, when men were married to more attractive women, they seemed more likely to step up to the plate, says study author Benjamin R. Karney, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California at Los Angeles. "But when husbands were better-looking, they didn't seem as engaged in helping their wives achieve their goals." (Size matters too: When women had a lower BMI than their guy, both partners tended to be more satisfied, according to other research.) The real secret to success? Support. Whether you're motivated by a gorgeous face or some other quality, couples are more likely to enjoy long-run happiness when they're invested in each other's welfare.

Ladies, a lower bmi can save your marriage

Limit the chick flicks.

If Jennifer Aniston and Ashton Kutcher regularly appear in your living room, your union could be in the danger zone. "Romantic comedies can set up unreasonable expectations, which may lead to unnecessary suffering," says Sean Patrick Hatt, Ph.D., a psychologist in Seattle. "Comparing yourselves with idealized others is a recipe for misery." Sure, rom-coms can be feel-good escapes, but they may also promote magical thinking about relationships. For example, as partnerships mature and the initial intensity tends to fade, many couples try to recapture the euphoria they had in the beginning, says Hatt. "And that sort of thinking is only reinforced by Hollywood endings," he adds. Stocking your Netflix queue? Treat the rom-coms as, well, treats.

Twist the sheets at least once a week.
The average American gets busy about two or three times a month, but increasing your romps to once a week generates as much bliss as scoring an extra $50,000 in income, according to researchers from Dartmouth College and the University of Warwick in England. It's not so much the sex itself that leads to happiness; the frequency is a better marker for a successful relationship. "Couples who like each other end up in bed more often," says study author Andrew J. Oswald, Ph.D. "And it's the liking-each-other part that increases joy." But seriously, who needs a reason? 

Source:

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/love-advice-0

10 Secrets of Super Happy Couples - part 1 of 2

What do happy couples do right? We found 10 surprisingly quirky relationship tips to help you have a happy marriage or relationship

  BY SHEILA MONAGHAN

This is just in from the love lab: Surprisingly quirky—and scientifically proven—ways to maintain a great relationship.

Pretend you just met.
Whether you've been together for six months or six years, spend some time each day acting as if you just started dating. Ask him what he thought of that TV episode or share what you'd do if you won the lottery. "Over time, couples stop asking those exploratory, get-to-know-you questions because they think they already understand each other," says Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., author of 5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage from Good to Great. But because we all continue to change and develop, little daily check-ins like this are what keep the connection growing, according to Orbuch's research of 373 pairs. Chat about something besides the daily grind—at least for a bit.

Nurture your friends' relationships.
You might divorce-proof your own. According to researchers, the breakup of a close pal's marriage increases your odds of splitting by as much as 75 percent. "Some people may see another's divorce as permission to change their own life," says study coauthor Rose McDermott, Ph.D. But when you encourage friends to stay together (happily), you may generate reasons that also apply to your bond.

Burn bras (together).
Forget flowers—feminism is the new romance, say experts at Rutgers University in New Jersey. Women whose male partner is a feminist report better relationship quality, while men with feminist partners experience more sexual satisfaction and relationship stability. "A male feminist partner may increase a woman's ability to realize her own goals and career ambitions," says study author Laurie Rudman, Ph.D. "And male feminists are probably not threatened by their partner's strivings." Plus, these women may be more likely to initiate sex, and no guy will complain about that.

Don't win an Oscar.
That is unless you'd like to thank the academy for ruining your relationship. A Best Actress winner is 63 percent more likely to have her marriage end before her category mates do, say researchers at Carnegie Mellon University and the University of Toronto. (And it's not an honor just to be nominated either: Sixty percent of all nominees, male or female, experience at least one divorce after getting a nod.) While the breakup rate might seem like celebrity hogwash, the findings may speak to an underlying social norm: Sudden one-sided success can put a strain on a romantic partnership. "The increased rate of divorce may be due to a husband's discomfort with his wife's success," says study author Colleen Stuart, Ph.D. "On the other hand, the wife may grow dissatisfied with her current marital arrangement because she now has the confidence and opportunity to move away from a bad relationship." Try to remain a power couple: Encourage and celebrate each other's successes, big and small.

Source:

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/love-advice-0

10 Secrets of Happy Couples

How do happy couples stay in love, in good times and in bad? Fortunately, the answer isn’t through luck or chance. As a result of hard work and commitment, they figure out the importance of the following relationship “musts.” Because few couples know about all of the musts, I think of them as the relationship “secrets.”

1. Develop a realistic view of committed relationships.

Recognize that the crazy infatuation you experienced when your romance was new won’t last. A deeper, richer relationship, and one that should still include romance, will replace it. A long-term relationship has ups and downs, and expecting it will be all sunny and roses all the time is unrealistic.

2. Work on the relationship.

An untended garden develops weeds that can ultimately kill even the heartiest plants. And so it is with relationships. It is important to address problems and misunderstandings immediately. Some people believe good relationships just happen naturally. The truth is that a good relationship, like anything you want to succeed in life, must be worked on and tended to on a regular basis. Neglect the relationship, and it will often go downhill.

3. Spend time together.

There is no substitute for shared quality time. When you make a point of being together, without kids, pets and other interruptions, you will form a bond that will get you through life’s rough spots. Time spent together should be doing a shared activity, not just watching television.

4. Make room for “separateness.”

Perhaps going against conventional wisdom, spending time apart is also an important component of a happy relationship. It is healthy to have some separate interests and activities and to come back to the relationship refreshed and ready to share your experiences. Missing your partner helps remind you how important he or she is to you.

5. Make the most of your differences.

Stop and think: What most attracted you to your partner at the beginning? I’ll almost guarantee that it was exactly the thing that drives you most insane today. Take a fresh look at these differences. Try to focus on their positive aspects and find an appreciation for those exact things that make the two of you different from one another. It’s likely that your differences balance one another out and make you a great team.

6. Don’t expect your partner to change; but at the same time give them more of what they want.

If both you and your partner stop trying to change each other, you will eliminate the source of most of your arguments. At the same time, each of you should focus on giving one another more of what you know the other person wants, even if it doesn’t come naturally. 

7. Accept that some problems can’t be solved.

There may be issues upon which you cannot agree. Rather than expending wasted energy, agree to disagree, and attempt to compromise or to work around the issue. Two people cannot spend years together without having legitimate areas of disagreement. The test of a happy relationship is how they choose to work through such issues — through compromise, change, or finding it’s just not that important to stew over.

8. Communicate!

Lack of communication is the number one reason even good relationships fail. And here is a useful format for doing so: Listen to your partner’s position, without interrupting him or her. Just listen. When he or she is finished, summarize what you heard him or her say. If you can, empathize with your significant other even if you don’t agree. This will take your partner off of the defensive, and make it easier for them to hear your thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to argue when you use this format, and best of all, you may come up with an understanding or a solution.

9. Honesty is essential.

You may share with your partner the things he or she doesn’t want to hear. Better this than to have him or her doubt your honesty. Mistrust is one of the key deal breakers in relationships. And once trust is lost or broken, it can take a very long time to re-establish it in the relationship.The happiest couples are the ones where honesty is as natural as breathing.

10. Respect your partner, and don’t take him or her for granted.

Treating your sweetheart with respect is likely to get you the same in return. And regularly reminding them how much they mean to you will enrich your relationship in indescribable ways. When you say, “I love you,” pause for a moment to show you really mean it. And don’t be afraid to express your feelings of appreciation with your partner — he or she will be thankful that you did.

Your efforts will be like planted seeds that will eventually give fruit.

Workshop in Toronto: Six Steps to Fulfilling Relationships

IF YOU ARE IN TORONTO ON 13 JUNE 2015,

come to Elena and Trevor Long’s free workshop:

Six Steps to Fulfilling Relationships
4pm – 6pm, 13 June 2015.
4978 Yonge Street (north of Sheppard Ave.)
3 Floor, Party Room, North York, ON M2N 7G8
(free underground parking)
For more information, email Elena at: 

VisionLifeDesign@gmail.com

Clashing Couples: Six Steps to a Happier Relationship - part 2 of 2

By Avis Rumney

3. Speak up about what you want and need. The etiquette of good communication is simple: say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it. Before speaking up, ask your partner if he or she is available to hear you. If your partner is absorbed in a magazine and you simply start talking, your words, no matter how eloquently spoken, are likely to be unheard and felt as intrusive. When speaking, if you use “I” statements and feeling words, and are specific about what you need or want, you are more likely to get at least some of what you are asking for. Blaming and criticizing your partner are indirect and hurtful ways of expressing needs. How much differently do you think your partner will respond to “You never call me during the day from work” than to “I would really like it if you would give me a call from work tomorrow. I miss talking with you during the day.

4. When your partner is talking to you, LISTEN!  Don’t interrupt, roll your eyes, mutter under your breath, or gaze off into the distance. Be respectful and attentive. Stone-walling or giving a cold shoulder are forms of communicating: They say: I don’t want to hear what you say, I don’t care what you think, and I’m not going to make any effort to try and listen. Is that the message you want to give your mate? If you aren’t available to listen, say so, rather than pretending to be available when you are not. If you don’t agree with your partner, wait your turn to talk about your view. Probably the biggest gripe partners of both genders have about their relationships is not feeling understood. Paraphrasing St. Francis of Assissi, seek not to be understood, but to understand. How can you understand if you don’t even listen? Show you are listening by making eye contact, nodding, and asking questions, repeating back what you heard your partner say and asking clarifying questions. Your mate will be more likely to offer you the same courtesy.

5. When you are angry, breathe, take a time out, and get rational before talking.Words blurted out in anger are often regretted. The feelings are valid; the expression of those feelings needs to be constructive, not undermining, hurtful and destructive. Mishandled anger can be very damaging to a partnership. Many of us never learned reliable communication skills, much less how to argue in ways that express feelings directly but without venom. We are often angry about something our partner has said or done, but if anger gets expressed viciously, it becomes more global. The issues get muddied, and the battle becomes about who is the better person, not about whatever the original concern was. As in verbalizing other needs, make sure your partner is available to listen and use I statements to talk about your feelings, not about why the other person is wrong.

6. Plan a date night every week. Schedule a consistent time each week just for the two of you to do something fun. Take turns deciding what to do. This is not just a time to hang out at home and see what’s new on TV. But it doesn’t need to be costly, either. It can be taking a leisurely walk in a new part of town or going out to watch the sunset and stopping for tea. It can be an evening spent at home, but one that has been choreographed to create something special. If a weekend afternoon is better than an evening, schedule it for then. If your schedules don’t allow for a consistent time each week, then plan ahead and get times on your calendars well in advance. What’s important is that this is an opportunity to enjoy each other’s company and do something pleasurable that enhances your relationship. Fun is the glue that keeps our relationships alive and healthy.

Source:
http://avisrumney.com/services-offered/relationships/clashing-couples

Clashing Couples: Six Steps to a Happier Relationship - part 1 of 2

By Avis Rumney

If you are finding that your relationship has more down moments than up ones, that anything you say seems to provoke your partner, or that things have gone from happy to ho-hum, it may be time to give your relationship a boost. Quite possibly you never had the opportunity to develop a realistic picture of what it takes to make a marriage or partnership work. If you think it should be all romance and roses, or that your partner should always want what you want, you are bound to be disappointed. And sometimes, just the ability to really talk with your partner disappears along with the novelty of first getting to know each other.

The reality is that good relationships require effort, investment and follow through. It’s not that basic partnership skills are either esoteric or difficult to understand. More often, people lack opportunities to learn relationship skills or have little guidance on how to implement them. When our parents didn’t really get along or perhaps didn’t even stay together, or we don’t want to emulate their relationship, we may have turned elsewhere for inspiration but then received a distorted and incomplete picture of what makes a relationship work. If we looked to friends’ parents for cues, we only saw a small fraction of their interactions. If television sitcoms provided our role models for marriage, with problems revealed, rehashed and resolved within twenty-six minutes, we doubtless developed a skewed sense of what it takes to make a marriage or partnership flourish.

1. Express appreciation of your partner in many ways, as often as you can. This may be a stretch if you are feeling irritated, angry or distant, but look for the areas that you aren’t at odds about, and acknowledge those. Focusing on resentments and collecting more items to justify your anger is going to increase your negative feelings. You may have a really good case, but you will also have a really unhappy relationship.If you are having trouble thinking of what you appreciate about your partner, consider what your relationship gives to you that did not have when you were single. How have you grown in this relationship? Remember the early days of your relationship and what you really liked about your partner then. Chances are, those qualities are still there, although they may be obscured by disagreements or life events.Use words, gestures, touch and actions to acknowledge your partner in positive ways. Think of the things you know your partner likes to be appreciated for, and pay special attention to those. And, when your partner acknowledges you, make sure to say thank you. I hear aggrieved partners in therapy saying far too often ”I don’t think she ever notices when I open the door for her or take out the dog, or clean up the sink, or buy her favorite kind of tomato sauce.”
   
2. Remember that this is a partnership – you are both on the same side. Disagreements come up, and it’s important to resolve them when possible. Sometimes this means compromise. However, most couples have a few areas where they cannot agree or come to any kind of compromise. In many situations, there are no “right” or “wrong” positions, but simply differing viewpoints. However, it is ok to agree to disagree. Where some kind of agreement is required, then negotiation is necessary and achieving some kind of resolution is important, although neither one of you is likely to get 100% of what you want. There are many situations where it is more a matter of principle – that one partner doesn’t want to “give in.” As one colleague says succinctly “Would you rather be right or be married?”

(to be continued)

Source:

http://avisrumney.com/services-offered/relationships/clashing-couples

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits - Part 4 of 4

EMILY ESFAHANI SMITH, THE ATLANTIC

(Continued)

In one study from 2006, psychological researcher Shelly Gable and her colleagues brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from their lives. They psychologists wanted to know how partners would respond to each other’s good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other’s good news in four different ways that they called: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive.

Let’s say that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into medical school. She would say something like “I got into my top choice med school!”

If her partner responded in a passive destructive manner, he would ignore the event. For example, he might say something like: “You wouldn’t believe the great news I got yesterday! I won a free t-shirt!”

If her partner responded in a passive constructive way, he would acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way. A typical passive constructive response is saying “That’s great, babe” as he texts his buddy on his phone.

In the third kind of response, active destructive, the partner would diminish the good news his partner just got: “Are you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!”

Finally, there’s active constructive responding. If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: “That’s great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take first semester?”

Among the four response styles, active constructive responding is the kindest. While the other response styles are joy-killers, active constructive responding allows the partner to savor her joy and gives the couple an opportunity to bond over the good news. In the parlance of the Gottmans, active constructive responding is a way of “turning toward” your partners bid (sharing the good news) rather than “turning away” from it.

Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. In the 2006 study, Gable and her colleagues followed up with the couples two months later to see if they were still together. The psychologists found that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together. In an earlier study, Gable found that active constructive responding was also associated with higher relationship quality and more intimacy between partners. 

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart.

In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.

Read more: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3aOpkkhTb

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits -Part 2 of 4

EMILY ESFAHANI SMITH, THE ATLANTIC

The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat.

He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study — one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

 By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples — straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not — will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.

People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.

Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,” says Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.” That’s how kindness works too: there’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.

There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.

“If your partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.”

In that moment, the easy response may be to turn away from your partner and focus on your iPad or your book or the television, to mumble “Uh huh” and move on with your life, but neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.

The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Source:

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3aOoP6518

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits - Part 1 of 4

EMILY ESFAHANI SMITH, THE ATLANTIC

Science says lasting relationships come down to—you guessed it—kindness and generosity.

Every day in June, the most popular wedding month of the year, about 13,000 American couples will say “I do,” committing to a lifelong relationship that will be full of friendship, joy, and love that will carry them forward to their final days on this earth.

Except, of course, it doesn’t work out that way for most people.

The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction.

Of all the people who get married, only three in ten remain in healthy, happy marriages, as psychologist Ty Tashiro points out in his book "The Science of Happily Ever After," which was published earlier this year.

Social scientists first started studying marriages by observing them in action in the 1970s in response to a crisis: Married couples were divorcing at unprecedented rates. Worried about the impact these divorces would have on the children of the broken marriages, psychologists decided to cast their scientific net on couples, bringing them into the lab to observe them and determine what the ingredients of a healthy, lasting relationship were.

Was each unhappy family unhappy in its own way, as Tolstoy claimed, or did the miserable marriages all share something toxic in common?

Psychologist John Gottman was one of those researchers. For the past four decades, he has studied thousands of couples in a quest to figure out what makes relationships work. I recently had the chance to interview Gottman and his wife Julie, also a psychologist, in New York City. Together, the renowned experts on marital stability run The Gottman Institute, which is devoted to helping couples build and maintain loving, healthy relationships based on scientific studies.

John Gottman began gathering his most critical findings in 1986, when he set up “The Love Lab” with his colleague Robert Levenson at the University of Washington. Gottman and Levenson brought newlyweds into the lab and watched them interact with each other.

With a team of researchers, they hooked the couples up to electrodes and asked the couples to speak about their relationship, like how they met, a major conflict they were facing together, and a positive memory they had. As they spoke, the electrodes measured the subjects' blood flow, heart rates, and how much they sweat they produced. Then the researchers sent the couples home and followed up with them six years later to see if they were still together.

From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages.

When the researchers analyzed the data they gathered on the couples, they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters. The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples longitudinally, Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time.

But what does physiology have to do with anything? The problem was that the disasters showed all the signs of arousal — of being in fight-or-flight mode — in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger.

Even when they were talking about pleasant or mundane facets of their relationships, they were prepared to attack and be attacked. This sent their heart rates soaring and made them more aggressive toward each other. For example, each member of a couple could be talking about how their days had gone, and a highly aroused husband might say to his wife, “Why don’t you start talking about your day. It won’t take you very long.”

 Source:

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3aOoP6518