By Avis Rumney
If you are finding that your relationship has more down moments than up ones, that anything you say seems to provoke your partner, or that things have gone from happy to ho-hum, it may be time to give your relationship a boost. Quite possibly you never had the opportunity to develop a realistic picture of what it takes to make a marriage or partnership work. If you think it should be all romance and roses, or that your partner should always want what you want, you are bound to be disappointed. And sometimes, just the ability to really talk with your partner disappears along with the novelty of first getting to know each other.
The reality is that good relationships require effort, investment and follow through. It’s not that basic partnership skills are either esoteric or difficult to understand. More often, people lack opportunities to learn relationship skills or have little guidance on how to implement them. When our parents didn’t really get along or perhaps didn’t even stay together, or we don’t want to emulate their relationship, we may have turned elsewhere for inspiration but then received a distorted and incomplete picture of what makes a relationship work. If we looked to friends’ parents for cues, we only saw a small fraction of their interactions. If television sitcoms provided our role models for marriage, with problems revealed, rehashed and resolved within twenty-six minutes, we doubtless developed a skewed sense of what it takes to make a marriage or partnership flourish.
- Express appreciation of your partner in many ways, as often as you can. This may be a stretch if you are feeling irritated, angry or distant, but look for the areas that you aren’t at odds about, and acknowledge those. Focusing on resentments and collecting more items to justify your anger is going to increase your negative feelings. You may have a really good case, but you will also have a really unhappy relationship.If you are having trouble thinking of what you appreciate about your partner, consider what your relationship gives to you that did not have when you were single. How have you grown in this relationship? Remember the early days of your relationship and what you really liked about your partner then. Chances are, those qualities are still there, although they may be obscured by disagreements or life events.Use words, gestures, touch and actions to acknowledge your partner in positive ways. Think of the things you know your partner likes to be appreciated for, and pay special attention to those. And, when your partner acknowledges you, make sure to say thank you. I hear aggrieved partners in therapy saying far too often ”I don’t think she ever notices when I open the door for her or take out the dog, or clean up the sink, or buy her favorite kind of tomato sauce.”
- Remember that this is a partnership – you are both on the same side. Disagreements come up, and it’s important to resolve them when possible. Sometimes this means compromise. However, most couples have a few areas where they cannot agree or come to any kind of compromise. In many situations, there are no “right” or “wrong” positions, but simply differing viewpoints. However, it is ok to agree to disagree. Where some kind of agreement is required, then negotiation is necessary and achieving some kind of resolution is important, although neither one of you is likely to get 100% of what you want. There are many situations where it is more a matter of principle – that one partner doesn’t want to “give in.” As one colleague says succinctly “Would you rather be right or be married?”
(to be continued)
Source:
http://avisrumney.com/services-offered/relationships/clashing-couples
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