5 Simple Steps to Make You a Better Negotiator

BY ELIZABETH MACBRIDE

The modern framework for negotiation is broken: Most of the prevailing theories see negotiations as battles in which the players act rationally in their own best interests. If you are lucky, this is a battle you might win.

But what if you reframed the whole idea, to think of a negotiation not as a fight but as a problem-solving exercise? And one in which emotions can play a systematic and powerful role?

Strike a powerpose for 2 minutes

In a new book, Getting (More of) What You Want, Stanford GSB professor Margaret Neale and co-author Thomas Lys challenge longstanding conventional wisdom on negotiating. They say that when people cease to see negotiation as a fight, they open themselves up to more creative solutions and are more able see more situations as opportunities to negotiate.

To write the book, the duo drew on economics and behavioral economics to systematically analyze how emotions tend to affect negotiations. Perhaps the most important effect is that when people are drawn into the battle, they will sometimes give up too much--even against their own interest--just for the sake of coming to a resolution.

"Agreements for the sake of agreeing are not so great, unless of course agreement is all you care about," says Neale. "But then, if that were the case, you wouldn't need to negotiate. You'd just accept your counterpart's first offer."

There are other powerful psychological processes that can affect negotiations. For instance, merely expecting an outcome, or creating an expectation in your counterpart, can affect what happens at the table. And Getting (More of) What You Want leverages decades of research to help answer questions such as who should make the first offer and how do you create a packaged offer.

A "negotiation is about finding a solution to your counterpart's problem that makes you better off than you would have been had you not negotiated," Neale says.

In the business world, the "wins" are almost always defined by dollars. In Lys and Neale's view, what you value in the deal--what you want--can range from the traditional view of dollars to control of your time, a better relationship with your counterpart, or achieving a particular outcome in a meeting.

Neale and Lys offer a five-step road map to negotiating:

1. Assess.

Look at the situation and decide if this is a place where you can negotiate: "Can I change the outcome in a way that makes me better off?" One of the questions is whether you have the information you need to help you construct viable offers and creative packages in the negotiation.

If the answer to your assessment is yes, then move on to stage two.

2. Prepare.

This is where most people fall down, Neale says.

"We are struck by how many smart people act as if negotiation is simply improvisational theater rather than an interdependent process that requires planning and preparation, making strategic choices, and maintaining discipline," write the authors.

The key is to figure out as much as you can about where you stand and where your counterpart stands prior to negotiating. "People may have positions, but those positions may have very little to do with what is driving the issue or dispute," write the authors.

For instance, when Neale was asked by an associate dean at a previous post to take on a program directorship, she discovered that he'd been instructed to do so by his boss--and that one of the things driving him was that the program was important to the overall institution. She was able to factor in how to show loyalty to the school as she negotiated her compensation.

3. Ask.

Conventional negotiating wisdom holds that "whoever makes the first offer loses the negotiation."

But that old-school line of thinking ignores "anchoring." When you make the first offer--informed by everything you've learned in your preparation about what you need and what your counterpart wants--you are anchoring the negotiation closer to where you want it.

There are ways to make that first offer more appealing: The more objective your first offer appears, the more value you're likely to get. And precise offers (and counteroffers) are better than "round numbers." For instance, research shows that homes with precise listing prices sell for more, on average, than those with a more rounded listing--even when that rounded figure is higher.

4. Package.

To avoid the battle mentality, prepare a proposal that is an entire package. You can then say, "How can we talk about crafting an outcome to make it work for us?"

Among other things, that gets the counterpart committed to the deal.

Packaging is an especially valuable tactic when you are the party with less power in a negotiation. If you can work hard enough to find creative sources of value--for instance, identifying your counterpart's emotional need to save face or to look like a hero in the eyes of his or her boss--you can design a package that is more likely to be accepted--and is a better value for you.

5. Adopt a powerful mindset.

Expectations are incredibly influential, including your expectations of yourself. Neale suggests that adopting a powerful mindset at the negotiation table is easier and more formulaic than you think. Here are some tips to remember when you are sitting down to begin:

Recall a time when you had power over another person. Focus on what happened, how you felt, and what that experience was like.

Think about a time when you felt physically attractive. "Although it may surprise you," the authors write, "research shows that recalling a time when you felt physically attractive influences your ability to claim value in the negotiation.”

Try power poses. In a series of studies, researchers have demonstrated that sitting or standing in an expansive pose, versus a constricted one, can influence your levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) and testosterone (the power hormone) as well as your willingness to take risks.

Source:

http://www.inc.com/stanford-business/5-simple-steps-to-better-negotiating.html

Clashing Couples: Six Steps to a Happier Relationship - part 1 of 2

By Avis Rumney

If you are finding that your relationship has more down moments than up ones, that anything you say seems to provoke your partner, or that things have gone from happy to ho-hum, it may be time to give your relationship a boost. Quite possibly you never had the opportunity to develop a realistic picture of what it takes to make a marriage or partnership work. If you think it should be all romance and roses, or that your partner should always want what you want, you are bound to be disappointed. And sometimes, just the ability to really talk with your partner disappears along with the novelty of first getting to know each other.

The reality is that good relationships require effort, investment and follow through. It’s not that basic partnership skills are either esoteric or difficult to understand. More often, people lack opportunities to learn relationship skills or have little guidance on how to implement them. When our parents didn’t really get along or perhaps didn’t even stay together, or we don’t want to emulate their relationship, we may have turned elsewhere for inspiration but then received a distorted and incomplete picture of what makes a relationship work. If we looked to friends’ parents for cues, we only saw a small fraction of their interactions. If television sitcoms provided our role models for marriage, with problems revealed, rehashed and resolved within twenty-six minutes, we doubtless developed a skewed sense of what it takes to make a marriage or partnership flourish.

1. Express appreciation of your partner in many ways, as often as you can. This may be a stretch if you are feeling irritated, angry or distant, but look for the areas that you aren’t at odds about, and acknowledge those. Focusing on resentments and collecting more items to justify your anger is going to increase your negative feelings. You may have a really good case, but you will also have a really unhappy relationship.If you are having trouble thinking of what you appreciate about your partner, consider what your relationship gives to you that did not have when you were single. How have you grown in this relationship? Remember the early days of your relationship and what you really liked about your partner then. Chances are, those qualities are still there, although they may be obscured by disagreements or life events.Use words, gestures, touch and actions to acknowledge your partner in positive ways. Think of the things you know your partner likes to be appreciated for, and pay special attention to those. And, when your partner acknowledges you, make sure to say thank you. I hear aggrieved partners in therapy saying far too often ”I don’t think she ever notices when I open the door for her or take out the dog, or clean up the sink, or buy her favorite kind of tomato sauce.”
   
2. Remember that this is a partnership – you are both on the same side. Disagreements come up, and it’s important to resolve them when possible. Sometimes this means compromise. However, most couples have a few areas where they cannot agree or come to any kind of compromise. In many situations, there are no “right” or “wrong” positions, but simply differing viewpoints. However, it is ok to agree to disagree. Where some kind of agreement is required, then negotiation is necessary and achieving some kind of resolution is important, although neither one of you is likely to get 100% of what you want. There are many situations where it is more a matter of principle – that one partner doesn’t want to “give in.” As one colleague says succinctly “Would you rather be right or be married?”

(to be continued)

Source:

http://avisrumney.com/services-offered/relationships/clashing-couples

Rohn: 7 Personality Traits of a Great Leader

The qualities of skillful leadership

Jim Rohn

If you want to be a leader who attracts quality people, the key is to become a person of quality yourself. Leadership is the ability to attract someone to the gifts, skills and opportunities you offer as an owner, as a manager, as a parent. Jim Rohn calls leadership the great challenge of life. What’s important in leadership is refining your skills. All great leaders keep working on themselves until they become effective. Here’s how: 

1. Learn to be strong but not rude. It is an extra step you must take to become a powerful, capable leader with a wide range of reach. Some people mistake rudeness for strength. It’s not even a good substitute. 

2. Learn to be kind but not weak. We must not mistake kindness for weakness. Kindness isn’t weak. Kindness is a certain type of strength. We must be kind enough to tell somebody the truth. We must be kind enough and considerate enough to lay it on the line. We must be kind enough to tell it like it is and not deal in delusion. 

3. Learn to be bold but not a bully. It takes boldness to win the day. To build your influence, you’ve got to walk in front of your group. You’ve got to be willing to take the first arrow, tackle the first problem, discover the first sign of trouble. 

4. You’ve got to learn to be humble but not timid. You can’t get to the high life by being timid. Some people mistake timidity for humility. Humility is almost a God-like word. A sense of awe. A sense of wonder. An awareness of the human soul and spirit. An understanding that there is something unique about the human drama versus the rest of life. Humility is a grasp of the distance between us and the stars, yet having the feeling that we’re part of the stars. So humility is a virtue, but timidity is a disease. Timidity is an affliction. It can be cured, but it is a problem. 

5. Be proud but not arrogant. It takes pride to win the day. It takes pride to build your ambition. It takes pride in community. It takes pride in a cause, in accomplishment. But the key to becoming a good leader is being proud without being arrogant. In fact, I believe the worst kind of arrogance is arrogance from ignorance. It’s when you don’t know that you don’t know. Now that kind of arrogance is intolerable. If someone is smart and arrogant, we can tolerate that. But if someone is ignorant and arrogant, that's just too much to take. 

6. Develop humor without folly. That’s important for a leader. In leadership, we learn that it’s OK to be witty, but not silly. It’s OK to be fun, but not foolish. 

7. Lastly, deal in realities. Deal in truth. Save yourself the agony. Just accept life like it is. Life is unique. Some people call it tragic, but I’d like to think it’s unique. The whole drama of life is unique. It’s fascinating. And I’ve found that the skills that work well for one leader may not work at all for another. But the fundamental skills of leadership can be adapted to work well for just about everyone: at work, in the community, and at home.

See more at: http://www.success.com/article/7-personality-traits-of-a-great-leader#sthash.0UqasKjY.dpuf

15 Secrets of Really Persuasive People - part 1 of 2

Persuasive people have an uncanny ability to get you leaning toward their way of thinking. Their secret weapon is likability.

BY TRAVIS BRADBERRY

Author, 'Emotional Intelligence 2.0'

Whether you're trying to get the boss to fund your project or your preschooler to wipe his own hiney after using the bathroom, persuasion is a skill that's instrumental to success in life.

Persuasive people have an uncanny ability to get others leaning toward their way of thinking. Their secret weapon is likability. They get you to like more than their ideas; they get you to like them.

Here are the 15 tricks of the trade that exceptionally persuasive people use to their advantage.

1. They Know Their Audience

Persuasive people know their audience inside and out, and they use this knowledge to speak their audience's language. Whether it's toning down your assertiveness when talking to someone who is shy or cranking it up for the aggressive, high-energy type, everyone is different, and catching on to these subtleties goes a long way toward getting someone to hear your point of view.

2. They Connect

People are much more likely to accept what you have to say once they have a sense of what kind of person you are. In a negotiation study, Stanford students were asked to reach agreement in class. Without instruction of any kind, 55 percent of the students successfully reached agreement. However, when they were instructed to introduce themselves and share their backgrounds before attempting to reach agreement, 90 percent did so successfully.

The key here is to avoid getting too caught up in the back and forth of the discussion. The person you are speaking with is a person, not an opponent or a target. No matter how compelling your argument, if you fail to connect on a personal level, he or she will doubt everything you say.

3. They Aren't Pushy

Persuasive people establish their ideas assertively and confidently, without being aggressive or pushy. Pushy people are a huge turnoff. The in-your-face approach starts the recipient backpedaling, and before long, the person's running for the hills. Persuasive people don't ask for much, and they don't argue vehemently for their position, because they know that subtlety is what wins people over in the long run. If you tend to come across as too aggressive, focus on being confident but calm. Don't be impatient and overly persistent. Know that if your idea is really a good one, people will catch on if you give them time. If you don't, they won't catch on at all.

4. They Aren't Mousy

On the other hand, presenting your ideas as questions or as though they need approval makes them seem flawed. If you tend to be shy, focus on presenting your ideas as statements and interesting facts for the other party to mull over. Also, remove qualifiers from your speech. When you are trying to be persuasive, there is no room for "I think" or "It is possible that."

5. They Use Positive Body Language

Becoming cognizant of your gestures, expressions, and tone of voice (and making certain they're positive) will engage people and open them up to your arguments. Using an enthusiastic tone, uncrossing your arms, maintaining eye contact, and leaning toward the person who's speaking are all forms of positive body language that persuasive people use to draw others in. Positive body language will engage your audience and convince them that what you're saying is valid. When it comes to persuasion, how you say something can be more important than what you say.

6. They Are Clear and Concise

Persuasive people are able to communicate their ideas quickly and clearly. When you have a firm grasp on what you're talking about, it's fun and easy to explain it to those who don't understand. A good strategy here is to know your subject so well that you could explain it to a child. If you can explain yourself effectively to someone who has no background on the subject, you can certainly make a persuasive case with someone who does.

7. They Are Genuine

Being genuine and honest is essential to being persuasive. No one likes a fake. People gravitate toward those who are genuine because they know they can trust them. It's difficult to believe someone when you don't know who the person really is and how the person really feels.

Persuasive people know who they are. They are confident enough to be comfortable in their own skin. By concentrating on what drives you and makes you happy as an individual, you become a much more interesting and persuasive person than if you attempt to win people over by trying to be the person they want you to be.

Source:

http://www.inc.com/travis-bradberry/14-secrets-of-really-persuasive-people.html

Tony Robbins - Best Piece of Advice He Ever Got

How do you add more value, and give more value to others?

By working on YOURself!

It’s Not All about Communication

By Francine Russo

If couples were paying any attention during the past few decades, they should be able to recite the one critical ingredient for a healthy relationship — communication. But the latest study shows that other skills may be almost as important for keeping couples happy.

While expressing your needs and feelings in a positive way to your significant other is a good foundation for resolving conflicts and building a healthy relationship, these skills may not be as strong a predictor of couples’ happiness as experts once thought.

In an Internet-based study involving 2,201 participants referred by couples counselors, scientists decided to test, head to head, seven “relationship competencies” that previous researchers and marital therapists found to be important in promoting happiness in romantic relationships. The idea was to rank the skills in order of importance to start building data on which aspects of relationships are most important to keeping them healthy. In addition to communication and conflict resolution, the researchers tested for sex or romance, stress management, life skills, knowledge of partners and self-management to see which ones were the best predictors of relationship satisfaction.

Not surprisingly, those who reported communicating more effectively showed the highest satisfaction with their relationships. But the next two factors — which were also the only other ones with strong links to couple happiness — were knowledge of partner (which included everything from knowing their pizza-topping preferences to their hopes and dreams) and life skills (being able to hold a job, manage money, etc.).

For today’s couples interested in improving their relationships, say the study’s authors, therapists might consider going back to the basics and incorporating more practical social skills into their discussions. And that may include referring those who lack these skills to money managers or career coaches. “Communication skills are necessary,” says Lisa Neff, couples researcher at the University of Texas at Austin, “but they’re not sufficient when couples are under stress.”

It’s important for couples to know how the outside world — whether they can get a job, whether their kids can play outside safely or go to a good school — will affect their relationship even if they have good life skills and good communication skills. Strong relationships, says Bradbury, recognizes how pressures outside of home and the relationship can influence, and even break down good communication skills.

“Outside,” Bradbury says, “there is a real world that impinges on us.” To deal with it takes not only communication, but also an understanding that even the strongest communication networks among partners can falter and when they’re under this intense external pressure. The strategy he suggests for couples he counsels is to join forces rather than turn away from each other. “It’s not you against each other; it’s you against the world,” he says.

Find the complete article at: http://healthland.time.com/2013/08/16/the-key-to-happy-relationships-its-not-all-about-communication/

Jim Rohn - Personal Development - Living An Exceptional Life

By adding to your skills set, you not only increase your income, you multiply it...

The Confidence-Competence Loop

In the previous post, Brendon Burchard spoke briefly about the confidence-competence loop. Why is this a useful strategy that you can apply when establishing your habits? Because it is a straightforward formula that reminds you that confidence comes with increased competence. And interestingly enough, the cause-effect relationship goes both ways.

It is common knowledge that the more effort you put into learning a skill, the better you become at it. You do regular exercises - you core muscles strengthen. You practice a foreign language - it sinks in with time, your vocabulary increases, your understanding of grammar becomes more profound. But how do you practise regularly? By creating a habit of it - regularly, consistently, unfailingly, you do it as the committed to do.

And what fuels you to the next level? The feeling of confidence! When you are confident that you have enough command of French and you can ask that hot-looking French guy (or girl) of the time, you approach them and start talking to them (and yes, it's always that easy!). Then you enter into this fascinating conversation that gives you the opportunity to practise, and you build up on your competency. And the better you get, the more your confidence grows. The more your confidence grows, the more you practise. The more you practise, the advanced and competent you become. A never-ending loop that takes your skills to new levels.

All you have to do, is take action, and do it consistently. And you get better at it. The best way to face fear is by taking action, and the winner is you! You become a better presenter, a more confident water-skier, a more exquisite cook.

So, what is the next challenge you are going to take on? Singing, dancing, skiing or public speaking? Whatever skills you commit to improving, your confidence will lift your competence! (and vice versa)

Start your next C-C loop!