7 Solutions That Can Save a Relationship - part 3 of 3

By Carol Sorgen

Relationship Problem: Conflict

Occasional conflict is a part of life, according to New York-based psychologist Susan Silverman. But if you and your partner feel like you're starring in your own nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day -- i.e. the same lousy situations keep repeating day after day -- it's time to break free of this toxic routine. When you make the effort, you can lessen the anger and take a calm look at underlying issues.

Problem-solving strategies:

You and your partner can learn to argue in a more civil, helpful manner, Silverman says. Make these strategies part of who you are in this relationship.

·         Realise you are not a victim. It is your choice whether you react and how you react.

·         Be honest with yourself. When you're in the midst of an argument, are your comments geared toward resolving the conflict, or are you looking for payback? If your comments are blaming and hurtful, it's best to take a deep breath and change your strategy.

·         Change it up. If you continue to respond in the way that's brought you pain and unhappiness in the past, you can't expect a different result this time. Just one little shift can make a big difference. If you usually jump right in to defend yourself before your partner is finished speaking, hold off for a few moments. You'll be surprised at how such a small shift in tempo can change the whole tone of an argument.

·         Give a little; get a lot. Apologise when you're wrong. Sure it's tough, but just try it and watch something wonderful happen.

"You can't control anyone else's behavior," Silverman says. "The only one in your charge is you."

Relationship Problem: Trust

Trust is a key part of a relationship. Do you see certain things that cause you not to trust your partner? Or do you have unresolved issues that prevent you from trusting others?

Problem-solving strategies:

You and your partner can develop trust in each other by following these tips, Fay says.

·         Be consistent.

·         Be on time.

·         Do what you say you will do.

·         Don't lie -- not even little white lies to your partner or to others.

·         Be fair, even in an argument.

·         Be sensitive to the other's feelings. You can still disagree, but don't discount how your partner is feeling.

·         Call when you say you will.

·         Call to say you'll be home late.

·         Carry your fair share of the workload.

·         Don't overreact when things go wrong.

·         Never say things you can't take back.

·         Don't dig up old wounds.

·         Respect your partner's boundaries.

·         Don’t be jealous.

·         Be a good listener.

Even though there are always going to be problems in a relationship, Sherman says you both can do things to minimize marriage problems, if not avoid them altogether.

First, be realistic. Thinking your mate will meet all your needs -- and will be able to figure them out without your asking -- is a Hollywood fantasy. "Ask for what you need directly," she says.

Next, use humor -- learn to let things go and enjoy one another more.

Finally, be willing to work on your relationship and to truly look at what needs to be done. Don't think that things would be better with someone else. Unless you address problems, the same lack of skills that get in the way now will still be there and still cause problems no matter what relationship you're in.

Source:

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/guide/7-relationship-problems-how-solve-them

10 Secrets of Super Happy Couples - part 2 of 2

What do happy couples do right? We found 10 surprisingly quirky relationship tips to help you have a happy marriage or relationship

  BY SHEILA MONAGHAN

Tweet responsibly.
According to a survey of 100,000 people from OkCupid.com, avid tweeters tend to have shorter relationships—10 percent shorter, on average—than those who don't microblog. "Having your eyes glued to a smartphone screen isn't exactly conducive to romance," says Hatt. Be sure your tendency toward technology (tweets, texts, and otherwise) doesn't take up time better spent engaging in heart-to-heart communication with your guy.

Hold a grudge (as long as he doesn't).
Provided that your partner is able to bounce back from spats, you'll experience greater satisfaction, even if you tend to stay P.O.'d, according to recent research. The mark of a good recovery: You don't allow conflicts about one issue—say, money—to spill over into other areas of your relationship, such as how you help each other after a tough day, says study author Jessica E. Salvatore, Ph.D., of the University of Minnesota. A yang to your yin yields harmony.

Control the boozing.
Any relationship will be shaken and stirred by too much alcohol, but research suggests that young adults who drink heavily (meaning four or more drinks on one occasion for women; five or more for guys) are less likely to wed in the first place and may be at greater risk for early separation if they do. Partyers may be more likely to have commitment issues to begin with, and once they couple up their bonds may be unstable. "If you're going to be in a solid intimate partnership, you're going to need all the good judgment and compassion you can muster," says Hatt. Which means keeping the drinking in check.

Be the beauty to his beast.
Coupling up with an average Joe (with a beer belly) may be the key to long-term love. According to a study in the Journal of Family Psychology, when men were married to more attractive women, they seemed more likely to step up to the plate, says study author Benjamin R. Karney, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at the University of California at Los Angeles. "But when husbands were better-looking, they didn't seem as engaged in helping their wives achieve their goals." (Size matters too: When women had a lower BMI than their guy, both partners tended to be more satisfied, according to other research.) The real secret to success? Support. Whether you're motivated by a gorgeous face or some other quality, couples are more likely to enjoy long-run happiness when they're invested in each other's welfare.

Ladies, a lower bmi can save your marriage

Limit the chick flicks.

If Jennifer Aniston and Ashton Kutcher regularly appear in your living room, your union could be in the danger zone. "Romantic comedies can set up unreasonable expectations, which may lead to unnecessary suffering," says Sean Patrick Hatt, Ph.D., a psychologist in Seattle. "Comparing yourselves with idealized others is a recipe for misery." Sure, rom-coms can be feel-good escapes, but they may also promote magical thinking about relationships. For example, as partnerships mature and the initial intensity tends to fade, many couples try to recapture the euphoria they had in the beginning, says Hatt. "And that sort of thinking is only reinforced by Hollywood endings," he adds. Stocking your Netflix queue? Treat the rom-coms as, well, treats.

Twist the sheets at least once a week.
The average American gets busy about two or three times a month, but increasing your romps to once a week generates as much bliss as scoring an extra $50,000 in income, according to researchers from Dartmouth College and the University of Warwick in England. It's not so much the sex itself that leads to happiness; the frequency is a better marker for a successful relationship. "Couples who like each other end up in bed more often," says study author Andrew J. Oswald, Ph.D. "And it's the liking-each-other part that increases joy." But seriously, who needs a reason? 

Source:

http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/love-advice-0

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits - Part 3 of 4

EMILY ESFAHANI SMITH, THE ATLANTIC

“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

John Gottman elaborated on those spears: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”

For the hundreds of thousands of couples getting married each June — and for the millions of couples currently together, married or not — the lesson from the research is clear: If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often.

When people think about practicing kindness, they often think about small acts of generosity, like buying each other little gifts or giving one another back rubs every now and then. While those are great examples of generosity, kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis, whether or not there are back rubs and chocolates involved.

One way to practice kindness is by being generous about your partner’s intentions. From the research of the Gottmans, we know that disasters see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. An angry wife may assume, for example, that when her husband left the toilet seat up, he was deliberately trying to annoy her. But he may have just absent-mindedly forgotten to put the seat down.

Or say a wife is running late to dinner (again), and the husband assumes that she doesn’t value him enough to show up to their date on time after he took the trouble to make a reservation and leave work early so that they could spend a romantic evening together. But it turns out that the wife was running late because she stopped by a store to pick him up a gift for their special night out.

Imagine her joining him for dinner, excited to deliver her gift, only to realize that he’s in a sour mood because he misinterpreted what was motivating her behavior. The ability to interpret your partner’s actions and intentions charitably can soften the sharp edge of conflict.

“Even in relationships where people are frustrated, it’s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,” psychologist Ty Tashiro told me. “A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it’s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.”

Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy. One of the telltale signs of the disaster couples Gottman studied was their inability to connect over each other’s good news. When one person in the relationship shared the good news of, say, a promotion at work with excitement, the other would respond with wooden disinterest by checking his watch or shutting the conversation down with a comment like, “That’s nice.”

We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Source:

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3aOoP6518

Your six core needs – Growth, part 6 of 7

Growth

The fifth core need, or as Tony Robbins calls them, human needs, is growth. Unlike the first four, this is a spiritual need. It expresses your intrinsic aspiration and desire for personal fulfilment.

At every stage of their life, a human being looks at wider horizons. After the basic needs are met – for example, of certainty and comfort for the baby when it’s fed, they baby starts looking for variety by virtue of game and play, and wants to learn new tricks, new skills. The cycle repeats itself with adults, on a larger scale. We constantly seek to expand our skills, experience, our understanding of the world around us. It’s an internal drive that makes us search for greater achievement, to look for our true potential.

Look at the different areas of your life – have you grown in your career? Have you been developing your brain, working on your fitness levels? Have you been sustainably and ecologically expanding your social life, or sustaining a high quality of it? Similarly, we grow in our romantic, intimate relationships. If you stay where you are, without stretching, without attempting to learn and apply new skills, you become stale. Your strong relationship with your partner is determined by your dedication to growing the relationship itself, and growing together.

Growing, developing the relationship is a special mixture of ingredients such as: having fun together, becoming more interested in your partner’s interests and hobbies, and taking on new adventures, together! Most couples get together so that they can grow something new with their joint forces – whether it will be a family, with a baby, a dog, building a new house or a business. Couples transform when they put their joint efforts into producing a new creation. The challenges can often be overwhelming and testing. But when you have the shared mission, your big reason “why” and conquer the world with your persistence and dedication, the award at the finish line is gratifying.

At the same time, each of you grow individually. One of you might start practising meditation, and the other one – develop an interest in knitting, or gardening. What is important, is that you support each other, and complement each other’s interests, focus and capabilities. Because we are all called on this journey, the journey of growth. And your partner is your best supporter and mentor.

So, see your potential and take the call. Because, as Ray Kroc said, you are “either green and growing, or ripe and rotting”.

Elena Alexandrova-Long

Your Coach to Success

www.envisionlifedesign.com.au