EMILY
ESFAHANI SMITH, THE ATLANTIC
The
masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and
connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even
when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better
physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a
climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus
physically comfortable.
Gottman
wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and
intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he
designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful
bed and breakfast retreat.
He invited
130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they
did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat,
chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study — one
that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.
Throughout
the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls
“bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a
goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that
beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s
requesting a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping
they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.
The wife
now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away”
from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and
silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The
husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation
and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.
People
who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder,
showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned
away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they
were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond
with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”
These
bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who
had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of
the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met
with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had
“turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were
meeting their partner’s emotional needs.
By observing these types of interactions, Gottman
can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples — straight or gay,
rich or poor, childless or not — will be broken up, together and unhappy, or
together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit
couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or
contempt, criticism, and hostility?
“There’s
a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview,
“which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can
appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and
appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment
for partners’ mistakes.”
“It’s not
just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for
what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s
doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”
Contempt,
they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who
are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of
positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not
there.
People
who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or
responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel
worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who
treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in
the relationship, but they also kill their
partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean
is the death knell of relationships.
Kindness,
on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has
shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important
predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each
partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. “My bounty is as
boundless as the sea,” says Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I
give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.” That’s how kindness
works too: there’s a great deal of evidence showing
the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind
themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a
relationship.
There are
two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait:
either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In
some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow
stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a
muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know,
in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.
“If your
partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you are tired,
stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes
a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.”
In that
moment, the easy response may be to turn away from your partner and focus on
your iPad or your book or the television, to mumble “Uh huh” and move on with
your life, but neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly
wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and
breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.
The
hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is
also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral
out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a
relationship.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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