EMILY ESFAHANI SMITH, THE ATLANTIC
(Continued)
In one
study from 2006, psychological researcher Shelly Gable and her colleagues
brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from
their lives. They psychologists wanted to know how partners would respond to
each other’s good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each
other’s good news in four different ways that they called: passive
destructive, active destructive, passive constructive,
and active constructive.
Let’s say
that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into
medical school. She would say something like “I got into my top choice med
school!”
If her
partner responded in a passive destructive manner, he would
ignore the event. For example, he might say something like: “You wouldn’t
believe the great news I got yesterday! I won a free t-shirt!”
If her
partner responded in a passive constructive way, he would
acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way. A typical
passive constructive response is saying “That’s great, babe” as he texts his
buddy on his phone.
In the
third kind of response, active destructive, the partner would
diminish the good news his partner just got: “Are you sure you can handle all
the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!”
Finally,
there’s active constructive responding. If her partner
responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly
with her: “That’s great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call
you? What classes will you take first semester?”
Among the
four response styles, active constructive responding is the kindest. While the
other response styles are joy-killers, active constructive responding allows
the partner to savor her joy and gives the couple an opportunity to bond over
the good news. In the parlance of the Gottmans, active constructive responding
is a way of “turning toward” your partners bid (sharing the good news) rather
than “turning away” from it.
Active
constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. In the 2006
study, Gable and her colleagues followed up with the couples two months later
to see if they were still together. The psychologists found that the only
difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was
active constructive responding. Those who showed genuine interest in their
partner’s joys were more likely to be together. In an earlier study,
Gable found that active constructive responding was also associated with higher
relationship quality and more intimacy between partners.
There are
many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the
deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the
normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend,
in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples
may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they
hold against one another tear them apart.
In most
marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years
together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for
years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.
Read more: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3aOpkkhTb
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