Warren Buffett's Top 10 rules for success

The single most successful investor of 20th century.

Your Daily Quote - Gratitude

I write about the power of trying, because I want to be okay with failing. I write about generosity because I battle selfishness. I write about joy because I know sorrow. I write about faith because I almost lost mine, and I know what it is to be broken and in need of redemption. I write about gratitude because I am thankful - for all of it.
Kristin Armstrong

Seven essential habits of incredibly happy people

by Amanda Augustine

In her book “The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want,” University of California-Riverside professor of psychology Sonja Lyubomirsky explains how each of us has the ability to attain greater happiness.

According to her research, 50 percent of our happiness is determined by our genetics. Each of us is born with a genetically determined happiness “set point” says Lyubomirsky. Life circumstances, such as where we live, our marital status, our physical appearance, and our levels of wealth and health, have little bearing on our happiness – only 10 percent!

The good news? Lyubomirsky says the remaining portion of our happiness – 40 percent – is within our control. Here are seven different ways you can consciously boost your happiness. 

Nurture your relationships

There’s no denying the value of a strong professional network. In fact, the most successful professionals are often adept at networking. However, the personal connections you make offline are just as invaluable. People who maintain five or more close friendships tend to be happier, live longer and have a higher quality of life.

Make time to visit with friends and loved ones. It may be convenient to text, email or tweet, but the happiest people make a point to nurture their close relationships face-to-face. Pick up the phone, call your best friend, and schedule a coffee date ASAP.

Actively pursue your goals

When was the last time you thought about your long-term goals? According to David Niven, author of “100 Simple Secrets of the Best Half of Life,” those who could identify a goal they were pursuing were 19 percent more likely to feel satisfied with their lives and 26 percent more likely to feel positive about themselves.

Take some time this week to write down your goals. Then, break your goals into smaller, more manageable chunks so you’re less likely to get overwhelmed and discouraged. Click on the following link for more tips on goal-setting.

Help others

According to studies, giving back to the community has the power to boost your happiness and the happiness of those around you. It doesn’t matter whether you regularly do community service or randomly perform acts of kindness. When you help others, you increase your self-confidence and self-esteem and reduce your risk of depression. As an added bonus, volunteering is a great way to boost your job search.

Let go of resentment

Forgiving and forgetting may be easier said than done, but experts say it’s a necessary step to achieving greater happiness. According to the Mayo Clinic, if you’re holding a grudge, you’re also holding on to negative emotions that are standing in the way of your own happiness. When you’re able to let go of your bitterness and embrace forgiveness, you’re freeing up more space for positive emotions. Unsure how to begin this healing process? Check out Huffington Post's article on the best way to get over a grudge.

Express your gratitude

A survey by TheLadders found that saying thank you isn’t just a polite gesture – it’s an essential part of the interview process. However, showing gratitude does more than simply boost your job search. Those who regularly reflect on the things they’re thankful for sleep better, feel more alive and are overall happier. According to Robert Emmons, UC Davis psychologist and author of “Thanks!: How the New Science of Gratitude Can Make You Happier,” simply keeping a gratitude journal where you document moments for which you’re thankful can considerably improve your well-being and life satisfaction. 

Get moving

It’s no surprise that exercise can improve your health, but did you know that it also has the ability to increase your long-term happiness? Studies have found that regular exercise can relieve stress, release endorphins, boost your immune system and improve your mood. If your crazy workload has usurped your exercise routine, now’s the time to get yourself back on track. Don’t have time for the gym? Check out Forbes’ list of exercises you can do at your desk. 

Stop trying to “have it all”

It’s difficult for high achievers to accept the fact that they can’t have it all. But the simple truth is you can’t excel in every role you take on at the same time. In fact, research shows that those who attempt to get it all done – work, play, family, et al. – are at a greater risk for depression due to the increasing pressure they put on themselves. Instead of trying to have it all, Barnard College president Debora Spar recommends focusing on having what matters most.

Eric Sinoway, co-author of "Howard’s Gift: Uncommon Wisdom to Inspire Your Life’s Work," agrees. As you progress in your career and life, more responsibilities and opportunities will come your way. At some point you’ll need to drop something to maintain your balance. The key, says Sinoway, is to consciously decide what to relinquish rather than accidentally let go of the most important item.

Source:

http://info.theladders.com/career-advice/7-habits-happy-people?utm_source=zergnet.com&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=zergnet_509318

Your Daily Quote - Caring

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mode but the true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul. It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows. The beauty of a woman grows with the passing years.

Audrey Hepburn

Elon Musk's Top 10 Rules for Success

The success rules of the innovator Musk
"Really like what you do!"

Your Daily Quote - Your Subconscious Mind

Your subconscious mind does not argue with you. It accepts what your conscious mind decrees. If you say, ”I can’t afford it,” your conscious mind works to make it true. Select a better thought. Decree, ”I’ll buy it. I accept it in my mind.”

Dr Joseph Murphy

6 LEADERSHIP STYLES, AND WHEN YOU SHOULD USE THEM - Part 1 of 2

BY ROBYN BENINCASA

Taking a team from ordinary to extraordinary means understanding and embracing the difference between management and leadership. According to writer and consultant Peter Drucker, "Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things." 

Manager and leader are two completely different roles, although we often use the terms interchangeably. Managers are facilitators of their team members’ success. They ensure that their people have everything they need to be productive and successful; that they’re well trained, happy and have minimal roadblocks in their path; that they’re being groomed for the next level; that they are recognized for great performance and coached through their challenges.

Conversely, a leader can be anyone on the team who has a particular talent, who is creatively thinking out of the box and has a great idea, who has experience in a certain aspect of the business or project that can prove useful to the manager and the team. A leader leads based on strengths, not titles.

The best managers consistently allow different leaders to emerge and inspire their teammates (and themselves!) to the next level.

ROBYN BENINCASA leads by example

When you’re dealing with ongoing challenges and changes, and you’re in uncharted territory with no means of knowing what comes next, no one can be expected to have all the answers or rule the team with an iron fist based solely on the title on their business card. It just doesn’t work for day-to-day operations. Sometimes a project is a long series of obstacles and opportunities coming at you at high speed, and you need every ounce of your collective hearts and minds and skill sets to get through it.

This is why the military style of top-down leadership is never effective in the fast-paced world of adventure racing or, for that matter, our daily lives (which is really one big, long adventure, hopefully!). I truly believe in Tom Peters’s observation that the best leaders don’t create followers; they create more leaders. When we share leadership, we’re all a heck of a lot smarter, more nimble and more capable in the long run, especially when that long run is fraught with unknown and unforeseen challenges.

Change leadership styles

Not only do the greatest teammates allow different leaders to consistently emerge based on their strengths, but also they realize that leadership can and should be situational, depending on the needs of the team. Sometimes a teammate needs a warm hug. Sometimes the team needs a visionary, a new style of coaching, someone to lead the way or even, on occasion, a kick in the bike shorts. For that reason, great leaders choose their leadership style like a golfer chooses his or her club, with a calculated analysis of the matter at hand, the end goal and the best tool for the job.

My favorite study on the subject of kinetic leadership is Daniel Goleman’s Leadership That Gets Results, a landmark 2000 Harvard Business Review study. Goleman and his team completed a three-year study with over 3,000 middle-level managers. Their goal was to uncover specific leadership behaviors and determine their effect on the corporate climate and each leadership style’s effect on bottom-line profitability.

The research discovered that a manager’s leadership style was responsible for 30% of the company’s bottom-line profitability! That’s far too much to ignore. Imagine how much money and effort a company spends on new processes, efficiencies, and cost-cutting methods in an effort to add even one percent to bottom-line profitability, and compare that to simply inspiring managers to be more kinetic with their leadership styles. It’s a no-brainer.

(to be continued)

Source:

http://www.fastcompany.com/1838481/6-leadership-styles-and-when-you-should-use-them

Your Daily Quote - Surprise

“Engage people with what they expect; it is what they are able to discern and confirms their projections. It settles them into predictable patterns of response, occupying their minds while you wait for the extraordinary moment — that which they cannot anticipate.”
 Sun Tzu, The Art of War

Chris Howard Interview - Leadership, Part 3

A true leader lives the values of his organisation.

Your Daily Quote - Solutions

Identify your problems but give your
power and energy to solutions.
-Tony Robbins

10 Success Principles We Often Forget

by ANGEL CHERNOFF

Sometimes we find ourselves running in place, struggling to get ahead simply because we forget to address some of the basic success principles that govern our potential to make progress.  So here’s a quick reminder:

1. You are the only person responsible for your success.  The best part of your life will start on the day you decide your life is your own – no one to lean on, rely on, or blame.  You are in full control of your future.  Believe with all your heart that you will do what you were made to do.  It may be tough at times, but refuse to follow some preordained path.  Make your own rules and have your own game plan.  There is no happiness and success to be found by playing it safe and settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.  Read The 4-Hour Workweek.
   
2. You don’t have to invent the wheel.  Actually, to be successful you don’t have to invent anything at all.  Coming up with a new invention or idea is one way to achieve massive success, but it isn’t necessary. And it can be the most challenging roads to success there is. You see many people have found lots of success just by taking something that already existed and simply putting their own twist on it (their unique selling proposition).  Think about Apple for instance.  As Steve Jobs once said, “Good artists copy, great artist steal. Creativity is connecting things.” Connecting things means seeking inspiration from great ideas that already exist and adding your own useful twist.  Read The Millionaire Messenger.
3. There is no progress without action.  What is not started today is never finished tomorrow.  Some of the greatest ideas never made it.  Why?  Because the genius behind the idea failed to take action.  Just remember, no action always results in a 100% failure rate.  So get into action now, and begin to move in the right direction.  Once you get started every step afterwards gets easier and easier.  Until eventually, what had once been invisible, starts to become visible, and what once felt unattainable, starts to become a reality.
4. Persistence always wins.  As Winston Churchill once said, “Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.”  It may take more than one swing to compose an efficient hit, so make sure not to give up on strike #1.  And remember, a river cuts through rocks not because of its power at a given moment, but because of its persistence over time.
5. Focus is everything.  When you are too busy looking behind and around you, people are passing you.  If you never focus clearly on something, you will never be 100% efficient at anything.  Multi-tasking might seem to make you efficient at getting multiple tasks done at once, but it usually reduces your efficiency in dealing with each individual task.
6. Failure is necessary.  Don’t wake up at seventy-five years of age sighing over what you should have tried, but didn’t because you were afraid to fail.  Just do it, and be willing to fail and learn along the way.  Very few people get it right the first time.  In fact, most people fail to get it right the first 5 times.  If what you did today didn’t turn out as you hoped, tomorrow is a new opportunity to do it differently.  Interpret each failure as a lesson on the road to success.
7. Positivity fuels productivity.  Thoughts are like the steering wheel that moves our life in the right direction.  Success comes from positive energy.  You can choose to get caught up in the negativity surrounding you, or you can decide to do something positive about your situation.  You always have a choice.  Remember, happiness is an element of success, and the happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything, they use positive energy to make the best of what they have.
8. You must believe you can.  You must find the place inside yourself where anything is possible.  It starts with a dream.  Add confidence, and it becomes a belief.  Add commitment, and it becomes a goal in sight.  Add action, and it becomes a part of your life.  Add determination and time, and your dream becomes a reality.
9. Helping others is a big part of being successful.  Successful people constantly come up with new ideas, new projects, and new and innovative ways of helping others.  This means that your aims and objectives just benefit you, but also help benefit others as well.  Bottom line:  Your long-term success is directly tied to how well you serve your community.  Read Maximum Achievement.
10. Success is a journey of countless baby steps.  It’s a constant process of growth.  If you want to be successful, you must continue to hold yourself to a higher standard than anyone else, and strive to improve.  Oftentimes a person or organization will be successful, but then drop off.  A person may become lazy, and an organization may succumb to weaknesses or competition.  Sustained success means continually improving even if others may not see a need for it.  Remember, the great thing in the world is not so much where we stand at any given time, as in what direction we are moving.

Source:

http://www.marcandangel.com/2012/08/22/10-success-principles-we-often-forget/

Your Daily Quote - Leader

Before you are a leader, success is all about growing yourself. When you become a leader, success is all about growing others. 
—Jack Welch

The Secret to You - A Gift From The Secret Scrolls

Some beautiful affirmations to use on your journey, every day

Elena Long

Your Daily Quote - Self Talk

Quit the negative self-talk...

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours.

Richard Bach

What is NLP?

A lot of people I meet – at my seminars, online, in my networks, are interested in the fastest ways to achieve personal change and improve the quality of their lives. So they ask me how I use NLP to bring this change to my clients, and what NLP actually is.

I give a detailed description below, but, in one sentence, my friend, NLP provides me with amazing tools which I tailor to help my clients achieve personal changes and move quickly toward achieving their goals, to clear emotions and blockages, and to overcome fear and grief, within one or two sessions.

Neurolinguistic programming, or NLP, was originally developed by a psychologist, Richard Bandler, and a linguist, John Grinder. The American motivational speaker Tony Robbins has trained with Grinder and utilised NLP ideas for his own motivational and self-help programs.
Here is the quick definition of NLP: it helps you avoid a slow, long process of change by helping you to learn to change MORE QUICKLY than therapy, for example.

Richard Bandler

Many people suffer from the lack of knowledge of how their system of beliefs and attitudes influences the quality of their lives. Their perception of their career and life in general is clouded by the excuses and reasons why they cannot succeed. This is one of the reasons why NLP coaching has become one of the leading techniques for achieving fast and lasting personal change.

Personal transformation coaching has become a major field in NLP coaching. Every successful business person works with a coach or mentor. So do successful sports people, and people aspiring to constantly improving the quality of their life.

A more extensive definition includes, but is not limited to:
NLP looks at patterns and processes, rather than content. Your coach or NLP practitioner does not dig into the story of your life and make you analyse why things happened. It instead uses language and non-verbal communication cues to identify behavioural patterns.
It is also an enhancement technique of modelling.
The main role of the NLP practitioner is to take the client – yes, YOU, from effect to cause.

NLP uses different techniques to help you develop more effective strategies in life.
It’s a way of replacing unhelpful behavioural patterns with useful, resourceful strategies. Unlike traditional techniques, NLP gives quick results in personal transformation.

The techniques I use help you with clearing, energising, and transforming your mind, body and spirit. You’ll find the NLP coaching tools applicable to all areas of your life: business - sales, management, communication, and coaching/mentoring; teaching, sports, therapy, personal growth, as well as relationships. They are proven to work, producing tangible results.

Elena Long

NLP Practitioner and Relationship Coach

Your Daily Quote - Your Life

It’s your place in the world; it’s your life. Go on and do all you can with it, and make it the life you want to live.

Mae Jemison

Chris Howard - Power into Passion Part 2

Life is a playing field of possibilities...

Your Daily Quote - Perspective

I'm just thankful for everything, all the blessings in my life, trying to stay that way. I think that's the best way to start your day and finish your day. It keeps everything in perspective.

Tim Tebow

Injury in general teaches you to appreciate every moment. I've had my share of injuries throughout my career. It's humbling. It gives you perspective. No matter how many times I've been hurt, I've learned from that injury and come back even more humble.

Troy Polamalu

7 Cool Books That Bill Gates Loves

Bill Gates suggests some books for you to read on the beach this summer, and, in the process, reveals how he thinks about the world

BY GEOFFREY JAMES

A few hours ago, Bill Gates blogged his suggestions for summer reading. His previous year's suggestions were somewhat weighty tomes, but this year, he's suggesting books that he characterizes as "beach reading." Here are his picks:

1. Hyperbole and a Half, by Allie Brosh
   Gates comments: "Based on Brosh's wildly popular website, [the book] consists of brief vignettes and comic drawings about her young life. The adventures she recounts are mostly inside her head, where we hear and see the kind of inner thoughts most of us are too timid to let out in public."
2. The Magic of Reality, by Richard Dawkins
   Gates comments: "An engaging, well-illustrated science textbook offering compelling answers to big questions [and] a plea for readers of all ages to approach mysteries with rigor and curiosity."
   
3. What If?, by Randall Munroe
   Gates comments: "People write Munroe with odd questions about science. Munroe's explanations are funny, but the science underpinning his answers is very accurate [and] you'll also learn a bit about things like ballistics, DNA, the oceans, the atmosphere, and lightning."
4. xkcd: volume 0, by Randall Munroe
   Gates comments: "A collection of posts from Munroe's blog XKCD, which is made up of cartoons he draws making fun of things--mostly scientists and computers, but lots of other things too."
5. On Immunity, by Eula Biss
   Gates comments: "Biss examines what lies behind people's fears of vaccinating their children. Like many of us, she concludes that vaccines are safe, effective, and almost miraculous.... But she is not out to demonize anyone who holds opposing views."
6. How to Lie with Statistics, by Darrell Huff
   Gates comments: "Shows you how visuals can be used to exaggerate trends and give distorted comparisons--a timely reminder, given how often infographics show up.... [It's also an] introduction to the use of statistics, and a helpful refresher for anyone who is already well versed in it."
7. Should We Eat Meat?, by Vaclav Smil
   Gates comments: "The richer the world gets, the more meat it eats. And the more meat it eats, the bigger the threat to the planet.... I don't think we can expect large numbers of people to make drastic reductions [so] I'm betting on innovation, including higher agricultural productivity and the development of meat substitutes."

Of the seven Gates picked, two are among my favorite books. I recently recommended How to Lie with Statistics as one of "7 Short Books Worth More Than an MBA," and The Magic of Reality is the next book I'm reading to my 10-year-old son at bedtime.

As I think about the list, what strikes me as important isn't so much the books themselves but that Gates chooses to share his reading habits with the world. I mean, it's not as if he has anything to prove.

Consider: Gates is the richest man in the world with a net worth exceeding $80 billion. He doesn't need to make himself more popular by recommending books. That he spends the time and effort to do so sets him apart from his financial peers.

In the past (and indeed still today), most ultra-wealthy moguls either obsessively seek additional wealth or withdraw into a cocoon of privilege, like Howard Hughes, the du Pont heirs, and William Randolph Hearst (a.k.a. Citizen Kane).

Some do become philanthropists, but often their giving goes towards charities like art museums or their alma maters, charities that keep the money benefiting their own personal circle of privilege.

Gates, on the other hand, has spent his money on projects like eradicating malaria, where the only thanks he'll ever get is from the desperately poor of the world. He's honestly trying to make the world a better place. In this case, one reader at a time.

As I look over his list, what impresses me most is how much Gates has grown as an individual. When I interviewed him back during his Microsoft years, he was all about the business of technology. Today, he's like the mentor we all wish we had.

So much energy in business today is all about the push-push-push for success, so it's refreshing to see an icon of entrepreneurship who no longer needs to posture or preen but instead wants to share, wisely and well, what he's acquired and learned.

Source:

http://www.inc.com/geoffrey-james/7-cool-books-that-bill-gates-loves.html

Your Daily Quote - Your Reaction

You can’t control the events in your life but you can choose your reaction to them. You can even master that reaction. This will then determine the outcomes for you. E + R = O

Elena Long

Chris Howard - Power into Passion Part 1

Pursue your grandest dreams. Ferociousl

Your Daily Quote - Negative Emotions

We need to release negative emotions so that we can return to the state of love and acceptance that is our natural state of being, and from which joy and creativity can flow.

Jack Canfield

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits - Part 4 of 4

EMILY ESFAHANI SMITH, THE ATLANTIC

(Continued)

In one study from 2006, psychological researcher Shelly Gable and her colleagues brought young adult couples into the lab to discuss recent positive events from their lives. They psychologists wanted to know how partners would respond to each other’s good news. They found that, in general, couples responded to each other’s good news in four different ways that they called: passive destructive, active destructive, passive constructive, and active constructive.

Let’s say that one partner had recently received the excellent news that she got into medical school. She would say something like “I got into my top choice med school!”

If her partner responded in a passive destructive manner, he would ignore the event. For example, he might say something like: “You wouldn’t believe the great news I got yesterday! I won a free t-shirt!”

If her partner responded in a passive constructive way, he would acknowledge the good news, but in a half-hearted, understated way. A typical passive constructive response is saying “That’s great, babe” as he texts his buddy on his phone.

In the third kind of response, active destructive, the partner would diminish the good news his partner just got: “Are you sure you can handle all the studying? And what about the cost? Med school is so expensive!”

Finally, there’s active constructive responding. If her partner responded in this way, he stopped what he was doing and engaged wholeheartedly with her: “That’s great! Congratulations! When did you find out? Did they call you? What classes will you take first semester?”

Among the four response styles, active constructive responding is the kindest. While the other response styles are joy-killers, active constructive responding allows the partner to savor her joy and gives the couple an opportunity to bond over the good news. In the parlance of the Gottmans, active constructive responding is a way of “turning toward” your partners bid (sharing the good news) rather than “turning away” from it.

Active constructive responding is critical for healthy relationships. In the 2006 study, Gable and her colleagues followed up with the couples two months later to see if they were still together. The psychologists found that the only difference between the couples who were together and those who broke up was active constructive responding. Those who showed genuine interest in their partner’s joys were more likely to be together. In an earlier study, Gable found that active constructive responding was also associated with higher relationship quality and more intimacy between partners. 

There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it’s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stresses of a life together pile up—with children, career, friend, in-laws, and other distractions crowding out the time for romance and intimacy—couples may put less effort into their relationship and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart.

In most marriages, levels of satisfaction drop dramatically within the first few years together. But among couples who not only endure, but live happily together for years and years, the spirit of kindness and generosity guides them forward.

Read more: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3aOpkkhTb

Your Daily Quote - Anticipation

When I think something nice is going to happen I seem to fly right up on the wings of anticipation. ...The flying part is glorious as long as it lasts. It's like soaring through a sunset. 
― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of Avonlea

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits - Part 3 of 4

EMILY ESFAHANI SMITH, THE ATLANTIC

“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”

John Gottman elaborated on those spears: “Disasters will say things differently in a fight. Disasters will say ‘You’re late. What’s wrong with you? You’re just like your mom.’ Masters will say ‘I feel bad for picking on you about your lateness, and I know it’s not your fault, but it’s really annoying that you’re late again.’”

For the hundreds of thousands of couples getting married each June — and for the millions of couples currently together, married or not — the lesson from the research is clear: If you want to have a stable, healthy relationship, exercise kindness early and often.

When people think about practicing kindness, they often think about small acts of generosity, like buying each other little gifts or giving one another back rubs every now and then. While those are great examples of generosity, kindness can also be built into the very backbone of a relationship through the way partners interact with each other on a day-to-day basis, whether or not there are back rubs and chocolates involved.

One way to practice kindness is by being generous about your partner’s intentions. From the research of the Gottmans, we know that disasters see negativity in their relationship even when it is not there. An angry wife may assume, for example, that when her husband left the toilet seat up, he was deliberately trying to annoy her. But he may have just absent-mindedly forgotten to put the seat down.

Or say a wife is running late to dinner (again), and the husband assumes that she doesn’t value him enough to show up to their date on time after he took the trouble to make a reservation and leave work early so that they could spend a romantic evening together. But it turns out that the wife was running late because she stopped by a store to pick him up a gift for their special night out.

Imagine her joining him for dinner, excited to deliver her gift, only to realize that he’s in a sour mood because he misinterpreted what was motivating her behavior. The ability to interpret your partner’s actions and intentions charitably can soften the sharp edge of conflict.

“Even in relationships where people are frustrated, it’s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,” psychologist Ty Tashiro told me. “A lot of times, a partner is trying to do the right thing even if it’s executed poorly. So appreciate the intent.”

Another powerful kindness strategy revolves around shared joy. One of the telltale signs of the disaster couples Gottman studied was their inability to connect over each other’s good news. When one person in the relationship shared the good news of, say, a promotion at work with excitement, the other would respond with wooden disinterest by checking his watch or shutting the conversation down with a comment like, “That’s nice.”

We’ve all heard that partners should be there for each other when the going gets rough. But research shows that being there for each other when things go right is actually more important for relationship quality. How someone responds to a partner’s good news can have dramatic consequences for the relationship.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Source:

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3aOoP6518

Your Daily Quote - Ideas

There is nothing so powerful as an idea whose time has come.

Victor Hugo

Science Says Lasting Relationships Come Down To 2 Basic Traits -Part 2 of 4

EMILY ESFAHANI SMITH, THE ATLANTIC

The masters, by contrast, showed low physiological arousal. They felt calm and connected together, which translated into warm and affectionate behavior, even when they fought. It’s not that the masters had, by default, a better physiological make-up than the disasters; it’s that masters had created a climate of trust and intimacy that made both of them more emotionally and thus physically comfortable.

Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat.

He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study — one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.

 By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples — straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not — will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?

“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”

“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”

Contempt, they have found, is the number one factor that tears couples apart. People who are focused on criticizing their partners miss a whopping 50 percent of positive things their partners are doing and they see negativity when it’s not there.

People who give their partner the cold shoulder — deliberately ignoring the partner or responding minimally — damage the relationship by making their partner feel worthless and invisible, as if they’re not there, not valued. And people who treat their partners with contempt and criticize them not only kill the love in the relationship, but they also kill their partner's ability to fight off viruses and cancers. Being mean is the death knell of relationships.

Kindness, on the other hand, glues couples together. Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved. “My bounty is as boundless as the sea,” says Shakespeare’s Juliet. “My love as deep; the more I give to thee, / The more I have, for both are infinite.” That’s how kindness works too: there’s a great deal of evidence showing the more someone receives or witnesses kindness, the more they will be kind themselves, which leads to upward spirals of love and generosity in a relationship.

There are two ways to think about kindness. You can think about it as a fixed trait: either you have it or you don’t. Or you could think of kindness as a muscle. In some people, that muscle is naturally stronger than in others, but it can grow stronger in everyone with exercise. Masters tend to think about kindness as a muscle. They know that they have to exercise it to keep it in shape. They know, in other words, that a good relationship requires sustained hard work.

“If your partner expresses a need,” explained Julie Gottman, “and you are tired, stressed, or distracted, then the generous spirit comes in when a partner makes a bid, and you still turn toward your partner.”

In that moment, the easy response may be to turn away from your partner and focus on your iPad or your book or the television, to mumble “Uh huh” and move on with your life, but neglecting small moments of emotional connection will slowly wear away at your relationship. Neglect creates distance between partners and breeds resentment in the one who is being ignored.

The hardest time to practice kindness is, of course, during a fight—but this is also the most important time to be kind. Letting contempt and aggression spiral out of control during a conflict can inflict irrevocable damage on a relationship.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Source:

http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/#ixzz3aOoP6518