Tips for a successful relationship

All couples want to have a successful and rewarding relationship, yet it is normal for couples to have ups and downs. To meet these challenges, and to keep your relationship healthy and happy, you need to work at it. Relationships are like bank accounts – if there are fewer deposits than withdrawals, you will run into difficulties.

Tips that may help you improve your relationship and be better prepared to meet the challenges along the way include:

·         Talk to each other – just because you love each other doesn’t mean you will be able to communicate well or can read your partner’s mind, or that they can read yours. Communicate your needs – don’t wait for your partner to try to guess what is going on with you.

·         If you have something to bring up, do it gently – going on the attack rarely gets you what you want.

·         Listen to each other – often we are so busy defending ourselves that we don’t hear what our partner is saying. Let your partner know that you have heard them before you give them your response.

·         Remember the positives about your partner – this helps protect your relationship. One critical comment needs five positive comments to counteract its effect. Think carefully before saying what’s on your mind.

·         Make repair attempts – if your attempts to talk about an issue don’t go as planned, try not to let the situation become even more negative (such as not talking for extended periods or ignoring the other person’s attempts). Saying sorry or touching your partner in a caring manner shows you care, even though you disagree.

·         Spend time together – make your relationship a priority and make time for each other, even if you have to book it in. Regular ‘deposits in your relationship bank account’ will help protect your relationship.

·         Work on feeling good about yourself – this will help the way you feel about your relationship.

·         Everyone is different – accept and value differences in others, including your partner. We often choose people who have qualities and abilities we would like more of. This is one of the reasons why our relationships offer us significant opportunities to grow and develop as people. Remind yourself of this.

·         Make plans – set goals for your relationship and plan for your future. This shows that you are both in the relationship for the long term.

·         Be supportive – try not to judge, criticise or blame each other; we are all human. Remind yourself that you are a team, and in order for the team to be successful, you each have to cheer the other on.

·         Learn from arguments – accept that arguments will happen and try to resolve them with respect. The strongest predictor of divorce is ‘contempt’, which is any action whereby your partner feels ‘put down’ by you, whether it is the tone of your voice or what you say. Often in arguments, we become overwhelmed and this can often lead to behaviours that harm our relationship.

·         Stay calm during disagreements – or if this is not possible, take time out. Taking an ‘us’ perspective that prioritises the relationship rather than a ‘you’ and ‘me’ perspective can be very useful.

·         Look at your part in the conflict rather than focusing only on your partner’s contribution. Your partner is more likely to acknowledge his or her contribution if you do the same. Research has shown that relationships fall into difficulty when partners begin to think ‘here we go again’ and this negative cycle is associated with loneliness, hurt and disappointment.

·         Be sexually considerate – be affectionate (sometimes a lingering kiss or a warm hug are just as important). Accept that individuals have different sex drives and to sustain a healthy and happy sex life requires negotiation. A reduction in a couple’s physical connection is often a warning sign of problems in a relationship.

·         Be attentive – demonstrate your commitment to the relationship. It is what you do for someone that tells them that you love them. We tend to give our partner what we hope to receive but they may prefer another form of affection. Do they like gifts, quality time with you, a note or a cooked meal? Once you know what they like, make an effort to provide it.

·         Enjoy yourself – have fun and celebrate your life together. Rituals can enhance your relationship. It’s also important to try new things as a couple. Doing fun activities together is very important, as often ‘deep and meaningful’ about couple issues can turn into disagreements which leave you both feeling worse, not better. Fun activities are like glue.

·         Be flexible – let your relationship grow and adapt as you both change.

·         Share power – ensure that each of you feels that your opinion counts. Research shows that relationships where the female partner feels that she can influence her partner are the most successful.

Successful long-term relationships

In a long-term relationship, it’s easy to assume you know all there is to know about your partner. But people change. Try to be aware of what is happening in your relationship and understand who your partner is and where they are at.

Stay curious about, but respectful of, each other. It is really important to stay up to date about your partner. Friendship is at the basis of all successful long-term relationships. Successful couples tend to be realists who recognise that a relationship will go through ups and downs.

A good relationship doesn’t just happen – you have to work at it.

Source:

http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Relationships_tips_for_success?open

15 Things Successful People Do on Monday Mornings

Those first few hours after the weekend are critical. Start your week off right.

By Jacquelyn Smith

Monday mornings are the most critical time of the workweek, as they set the stage for the day and week ahead.

Most successful people are keenly aware of the typical Monday morning workplace dynamic of unanticipated events, overflow of communications, and general chaos. But after weathering hundreds of them, they realise they must gain control and stay upbeat. They take extra steps to compensate for this busy time of the week, and apply their best management skills to ensure that the day unfolds as smoothly as possible.

Here are 15 things successful people do on Monday mornings:

They wake up early and exercise.

This gets your circulation going and helps you stay alert, putting you at an advantage for a productive week ahead. You'll get your endorphin rush, which will help your mood, too.

They eat a healthy breakfast.

On Monday morning, you want to handle everything you have control over. Eating breakfast is one of those things. You don't want to be staring at the clock, awaiting lunchtime as your stomach growls at morning meetings.

They arrive early.

Do not succumb to the snooze button. Commutes are bad on Monday, so beat the odds. Plus, getting in earlier than others will help make Monday morning seem more like the afternoon, because you'll have had a chance to breathe before responding to the barrage of people and issues. Being an early bird will give you some wiggle room for the unexpected at work, not to mention any important personal matters that may arise.

They clear their desk and desktop.

Hopefully you already did this before you left on Friday. But if you didn't, get this out of the way, or you might add to Monday stresses in a sea of disorganisation. Organise and prioritise your files. Put aside unimportant paperwork, and keep critical files easily accessible. You want to be prepared when you, your boss, or colleagues need something at the last minute.

They carve out time for unexpected projects and tasks.

Successful individuals expect the unexpected on Monday. Your boss, team members, or staff may have remembered some loose ends over the weekend, so you're wise to build in some extra downtime on Monday morning.

They greet their team and boss.

This is important to do first thing every morning to keep morale high, but on Monday it's particularly valuable, as your team needs a special boost. Ideally, you'll spend an few extra minutes with your colleagues on Monday mornings. It reinforces a sense of purpose and community for everyone, including you.

They update their to-do list and goals.

Get yourself current on priorities and tasks, then set five to eight goals for the week.

Accomplished professionals have several goals in mind for the day and week. They know that if all goals aren't achieved, they can take pride in accomplishing most of them, and there's next week to achieve additional objectives.

They visualise the week's successes.

By envisioning the positive outcomes of various projects at hand, you can work backwards and determine the necessary steps to get your desired results.

They screen emails for urgent requests.

You can sink into email oblivion if you don't scan your inbox for urgency. Star emails that are priorities, and think quality, not quantity.

They tackle the tough challenges first.

The least desirable but critical projects are easy to put off, but your energy is stronger in the morning, so that's the ideal time to confront the most difficult assignments.

They make an extra effort to smile.

It might be the last thing on your mind, but overcompensating for the pressure-cooker morning will help you get through it. You may well stand out in the crowd, but your smile will likely be contagious, helping both you and team members relax.

They add a "blanket of humanity" to their emails.

It's tempting to power through all your emails in the most efficient way on Monday mornings. But before you hit Send, read them over to ensure that they're friendly and clear. Put yourself in the recipient's shoes. It's relatively easy to appear curt when you're in a hurry, along with the impersonal nature of emails and texts. You want to mitigate false starts and misinterpretations. One way to do this: Start the email by saying "Hi" and "I hope you had a great weekend."

They're able to say no.

"On Monday mornings, there will be many distractions--from people to emails to calls, meetings, offers for meeting in the break room, and so forth. "Successful people can diplomatically and politely say no to colleagues by offering to engage at a later time."

If your boss needs you, that is clearly an exception. However, if you have crucial calls to make or meetings to attend, give your boss the heads-up. It's stressful to be a people pleaser, particularly on Monday mornings. "Generally, no one ends up being pleased, as you can't do your best work with conflicting priorities."

They stay focused.

Successful people don't dwell on any challenging events that occurred over the weekend or other frivolous thoughts. Compartmentalize by putting them in a separate box as you start your week.

They remember that there is Tuesday.

In all the chaos, it's easy to believe that the world will cave if you don't solve all Monday's problems on Monday. "But when the dust settles at the end of the day, you may realize that certain tasks could have waited." Sometimes, you obtain more information over time that enhances your decision-making process. Or you may find that certain problems you're pondering will resolve themselves.

For the full article:

http://www.inc.com/jacquelyn-smith/things-successful-people-do-on-monday-mornings.html

Workshop in Toronto: Six Steps to Fulfilling Relationships

IF YOU ARE IN TORONTO ON 13 JUNE 2015,

come to Elena and Trevor Long’s free workshop:

Six Steps to Fulfilling Relationships
4pm – 6pm, 13 June 2015.
4978 Yonge Street (north of Sheppard Ave.)
3 Floor, Party Room, North York, ON M2N 7G8
(free underground parking)
For more information, email Elena at: 

VisionLifeDesign@gmail.com

Clashing Couples: Six Steps to a Happier Relationship - part 1 of 2

By Avis Rumney

If you are finding that your relationship has more down moments than up ones, that anything you say seems to provoke your partner, or that things have gone from happy to ho-hum, it may be time to give your relationship a boost. Quite possibly you never had the opportunity to develop a realistic picture of what it takes to make a marriage or partnership work. If you think it should be all romance and roses, or that your partner should always want what you want, you are bound to be disappointed. And sometimes, just the ability to really talk with your partner disappears along with the novelty of first getting to know each other.

The reality is that good relationships require effort, investment and follow through. It’s not that basic partnership skills are either esoteric or difficult to understand. More often, people lack opportunities to learn relationship skills or have little guidance on how to implement them. When our parents didn’t really get along or perhaps didn’t even stay together, or we don’t want to emulate their relationship, we may have turned elsewhere for inspiration but then received a distorted and incomplete picture of what makes a relationship work. If we looked to friends’ parents for cues, we only saw a small fraction of their interactions. If television sitcoms provided our role models for marriage, with problems revealed, rehashed and resolved within twenty-six minutes, we doubtless developed a skewed sense of what it takes to make a marriage or partnership flourish.

1. Express appreciation of your partner in many ways, as often as you can. This may be a stretch if you are feeling irritated, angry or distant, but look for the areas that you aren’t at odds about, and acknowledge those. Focusing on resentments and collecting more items to justify your anger is going to increase your negative feelings. You may have a really good case, but you will also have a really unhappy relationship.If you are having trouble thinking of what you appreciate about your partner, consider what your relationship gives to you that did not have when you were single. How have you grown in this relationship? Remember the early days of your relationship and what you really liked about your partner then. Chances are, those qualities are still there, although they may be obscured by disagreements or life events.Use words, gestures, touch and actions to acknowledge your partner in positive ways. Think of the things you know your partner likes to be appreciated for, and pay special attention to those. And, when your partner acknowledges you, make sure to say thank you. I hear aggrieved partners in therapy saying far too often ”I don’t think she ever notices when I open the door for her or take out the dog, or clean up the sink, or buy her favorite kind of tomato sauce.”
   
2. Remember that this is a partnership – you are both on the same side. Disagreements come up, and it’s important to resolve them when possible. Sometimes this means compromise. However, most couples have a few areas where they cannot agree or come to any kind of compromise. In many situations, there are no “right” or “wrong” positions, but simply differing viewpoints. However, it is ok to agree to disagree. Where some kind of agreement is required, then negotiation is necessary and achieving some kind of resolution is important, although neither one of you is likely to get 100% of what you want. There are many situations where it is more a matter of principle – that one partner doesn’t want to “give in.” As one colleague says succinctly “Would you rather be right or be married?”

(to be continued)

Source:

http://avisrumney.com/services-offered/relationships/clashing-couples

Your Daily Quote - You Are Unique

You weren't an accident. You weren't mass produced. You aren't an assembly-line product. You were deliberately planned, specifically gifted, and lovingly positioned on the Earth by the Master Craftsman.
Max Lucado

Jim Rohn - How to have Your Best Year Ever (3 of 3)

When do you know YOU HAVE HAD ENOUGH!?

Making Healthy Habits Stick

Kicking off the new year on the right foot when you're motivated is easy. But how do you maintain new healthy habits when your resolve starts to fade?

There are two things many of us have at the start of a new year: great ideas for healthy change and plenty of motivation.

The problem with motivation is that it disappears quite quickly. So whether you're trying to quit smoking or start meditating daily, how can you make your resolutions last beyond the second week of January?

"If we really want to change we need to figure out a way to keep doing the things that are required even when we don't feel like it or we're not excited about it," says personal development speaker Craig Harper.

And the solution lies in... teeth cleaning.                          

Think about it, says Harper, very few of us would ever break this habit.

Cleaning our teeth every morning is a non-negotiable behaviour that most of us do without even thinking, and it's this mindset we need when trying to foster any new habit.

Time to act

As Harper points out, despite being a nation that is well-educated and well-resourced in the areas of exercise and nutrition we are still one of the fattest, with 61% of us considered overweight.

"So, clearly, knowledge doesn't necessarily equal transformation. Change is in the application," he says.

The first step in applying ourselves is to accept that with change comes discomfort.

For example, trying to lose weight requires hard work and becomes uncomfortable for many of us when we have to get out of bed early to go for a walk or say no to that slice of chocolate cake.

By accepting from the outset that we are going to stumble upon these hurdles we can better prepare ourselves by setting individual, non-negotiable rules and just sticking to them.

Work around the obstacles

On the other hand, we shouldn't invest energy and time fighting those things we can't change. Instead, we need to find ways to work with them.

This means asking yourself better questions, explains Harper.

If, for example, you are middle-aged and have back problems that make exercise difficult, don't just become a couch potato.

Instead, ask yourself, 'With my genetics and at my age, what is the best way for me to get fit and improve my energy levels?'

Just as we can't change our genetics, we can't always change our personality or the biological drives that may affect how easily or quickly we change our habits, says Dr Sarah Edelman, a clinical psychologist practising in Sydney.

"There are biological drives that cause some people to be prone to alcohol dependency and addiction that other people don't have... so for those people it just means they will have to work harder than someone who just enjoys a drink, for example," says Edelman.

The science behind changing behaviours

No one magic formula works for changing every habit – depending on what you are trying to achieve, different approaches and expectations will be required.

For example, flossing your teeth daily is going to be easier and take less time than stopping a lifetime pattern of angry outbursts.

The claim that it takes 30 days to change a habit oversimplifies the issue, says Edelman.

Research published in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that it can take 18 to 254 days for behaviours to become automatic when performed repetitively.

The good news is that missing the occasional day didn't affect the process, the researchers found.

Another study shows that although changing a behaviour can take a lot of effort to begin with, it does become more automatic and therefore easier over time.

And once we form a habit, even if we stop it, it will be easier to reintroduce next time round because patterns in the brain that were formed when we established the habit quickly re-emerge, according to US researchers who examined behaviour in rats.

On the flip side, this is also true for bad habits.

So if you want to make your resolutions stick, here are some golden rules to developing healthy habits:

• Don't try to change too much at once. Focus on just one or two new habits at a time.
• Be clear about your goals. If your goal is to be successful, define what success actually means to you.
• Turn motivation into commitment by being better informed. Having a strong rationale for doing something is better than having a general recommendation or just telling yourself, 'I really must do that'.
• Focus on why you are trying to change. Know the benefits of changing, and the consequences or costs of not.
• Make time for your new habits. Get up an hour earlier if you intend to fit exercise into your schedule, or give yourself time to walk to the train station instead of driving.
• Finish what you start. Don't be the person who perpetually starts but never finishes. Set yourself some non-negotiable rules around the new habit or behaviour.
• Create an accountability system. Keep a diary, get a training buddy or accountability partner such as a friend, psychologist, dietician or anyone who will help you stay focused.
• Get regular reinforcement through reminder systems, visual cues such as photographs and by talking to others about your goals.
• Ask better questions of yourself to get better results, i.e. 'With my genetics, what's the best diet for me?'
• Monitor your progress. This can be through your diary, regular records of your activities, etc.

This article was written by Pamela Wilson, Source: http://www.abc.net.au/health/thepulse/stories/2012/01/11/3404594.htm